Yesterday's Independent had a little booklet called A New You, Part 1: The No Diet Diet. Just the thing to settle down with after a night at the Bromley Cafe Rouge. As it was Mr T's retirement treat I'd over-indulged. Only one glass of wine, though, because I was driving us back to Lewisham.

Sitting in front of a computer for hours, as enny fule kno, is not good for the corpus. What's to be done? This slim volume sounds promising, although the drawback is I have to buy the Independent every day for a week to complete the series.

The preamble pours scorn on dieting. Good. Continue with the fried egg sandwiches, then. Next there's a quiz to see whether you are ready to go to 'embark on phase one'. I try the questions out on Soldier Neddy as he tries to get his vest off without falling over.

I'm already sceptical as he doesn't fit the author's profile of thin people. Roy is usually thin, despite the after dinner python-swallowed-a-goat bulge of his stomach. According to Prof Fletcher he will: 'See opportunities where others see barriers', will 'have a go'', 'challenge himself daily' and 'try things and experiment' . This is all quite the opposite of his normal approach. It's true he 'can be a bit of a social chameleon'. I once threatened to give our address to a Scout Master in a youth hostel so Roy could prove he really did relish a week in the Lake District under canvas, as I'd heard him claim.

The quiz answers prove he is a right stick-in-the-mud. Or, in his case, stuck-in-a-vest. He definitely won't qualify to embark on phase one. What that is I have yet to discover.